-Natalie Varrone-
Holidays are a frequent topic in counseling. Holidays are a time when current and past issues come to the forefront of people’s lives. Family issues, grief and loss, life changes, and loneliness have an extra sting during this time of year. Comparing families and personal lives with other people becomes very frequent. Many people feel that they must live up to the hallmark movie standard of a perfect holiday season, which can quickly become frustrating and disappointing.
Holidays are also a truly joyous time for many families. There is indeed something magical about this time of year. Extra care and effort are put into making others feel special, appreciated, and loved. If you’ve had a wonderful year and are in a great place in your life, the holidays will feel extra special. Maybe it’s sharing them with a new significant other, a new baby or grandchild, or in the dream home you’ve always wanted. This year may be one of the best.
Or maybe you have had the opposite experience. Maybe you’re reeling from the death of a loved one. Maybe you’ve had the worst year of your life, and nothing went as hoped or planned. Maybe you’ve experienced other losses, such as with your job, income, relationships, or dreams. Maybe you’re single and feel stuck and alone, and everyone but you seems to be moving forward in life. Or you’re reminded, as you are every year, that your family seems extra dysfunctional and how unloved you feel by them on a consistent basis. These are deep pains.
Whichever side you fall on, the holidays will exaggerate the feelings you are already experiencing. It will make your current situation either feel even better or worse. Holidays amplify feelings, for both the good and the bad. Unfortunately, this can also further divide the two experiences and cause people to feel more disconnected. There becomes a greater gap between the two circumstances, and this can cause people to feel more alone in what they’re going through.
Awareness of other people’s feelings and experiences goes a long way- an incredibly long way. People desperately desire to feel seen and understood, especially in times of pain. If you have been blessed enough to live in what feels like the “best of times,” please consider how the person you speak with may be living in their “worst of times.” I have observed that almost always, people who are in pain genuinely want to hear about their friends’ and families’ happy and exciting times. But they also want to share their feelings, even if they’re the opposite, and to feel validated.
Make this a two-way conversation. Ask people about what the holidays are like for them and push past the standard response of “good” or “fine.” You are sharing your experiences; now give them permission to share theirs, even if it feels more negative. We are called to share each other’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). It can be such a simple but commonly overlooked thing to do for someone. In today’s culture of surface talk and avoidance of the deeper things in life, you may be the only person in his or her life who has sincerely asked, “How are you doing this holiday season?” and care enough to add, “But really?” It is surprising how many people have some sort of negative association with the holidays. Let’s hold both experiences equally and create an atmosphere where both positives and negatives can be shared without awkwardness, embarrassment, or shame. After all, the holidays are both the best and the worst of times.
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