Now you must decide…

Perhaps you are one of the many Christians who has spent years praying and trying find anything to help to bring love and joy to your troubled marriage-only to find that every effort has failed.

Now you must decide. Should you live the life of a suffering martyr until the kids leave or the Lord takes you home? Perhaps you need to try even harder to find a new book or workshop that will give you the right tools to have your “happily ever after” marriage? Or should you just give up and get a divorce?

Phil had again quit counseling because he was convinced nothing was wrong with him-Jean just needed to get her act together. Each counseling session had been filled with harsh criticisms regarding her offenses and failures. Phil refused to look at his contribution to their marital struggles. He was right and she was wrong-discussion over. As soon as the counselor turned his focus on Phil, counseling was finished.

Jean was distressed because she couldn’t escape the deepening realization that Phil would always be angry at her-he was unable or unwilling to make changes. She felt despair because it looked like her life was doomed to one of loneliness and misery. What did she have to hope for if Phil wasn’t interested in healing their marriage?

“God,” she cried, “how do I live with the pain of a loveless marriage?” God answered her prayer, but not in the way she expected. He began to show Jean her heart was not healthy.

Jean had been looking to Phil to meet her deepest needs for love and affirmation. When he offered her contempt instead of care, she was unable to handle the pain in a way that kept her heart good and alive. Sometimes she was filled with bitterness and at other times, shame and despair prevented her from enjoying much of anything. She was becoming negative and even a bit whiny, seeking out sympathy whenever Phil hurt her. But she also wrestled with apathy. Why pray? Why try anymore? Since God didn’t seem to care about her marriage, why should she?

But where God really got her attention was when she began to see her pride. Jean found she had taken a smug satisfaction in the fact that she was the one who always found counselors, talked to pastors, and devoured books on marriage. Phil wasn’t even trying. She realized that she believed she was a better spouse and more of a true Christian than he was. That belief entitled her to discount every complaint he had against her and gave her the right to look down on him. She had never thought of herself as being self-righteous, but the truth was unavoidable.

This new awareness caught Jean by surprise. She had never considered how Phil must have been stung by her covert attacks. “How can you claim to be a Christian when you treat me the way you do? Look at all the ways I’ve listened to you and been willing to change to meet your needs!” Slowly, Jean became broken as she recalled the many times she punished him with cutting words disguised as requests to work on the relationship. The main issue she needed to address wasn’t Phil: it was who she had become in her attempts to survive her difficult marriage.

As she began to repent of her spiritual pride, she desired more than ever that he would see her open heart and share her longing to reconcile their marriage. But Phil, deeply mired in years of bitterness, had no interest in healing their relationship.

When she realized that Phil was unwilling or unable to change, Jean refused to go back into shame or despair in an attempt to survive her pain. She felt God wanted her to go another way-a radically new direction: She set Phil free. In her heart she told him:
“I set you free from the burden of having to be the answer to the problems in my life and playing a role you do not want to play. I accept you for who you are and no longer require that you be someone you’re not. I’ll never stop caring about you, nor stop working, hoping, and praying for our marriage to heal. But I will not keep my life on hold waiting for you to change. You are free.”

Jean disengaged from the dark thoughts and attitudes Satan was using to corrupt her heart. She repented of her criticisms and negative attitudes toward Phil. No longer pre-occupied with the ways she thought he should change, she gave up all attempts to get his attention about the pain he was causing her.

“…He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6 (NAS)

Jean understood that God’s Spirit lived in her and wanted her to be able to know joy and contentment. As she searched her heart she began embracing the good desires God had placed within her: desires to love, have purpose and live a life of integrity. Christ’s words from John 10:10 brought hope and resolve to her life.

“The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but I have come that you might have life and have it abundantly.”

God was not finished with her. Even though Phil wanted little to do with her, she could thrive by allowing God’s spirit to live through her, offering herself wherever God directed: to her children, her work, her friends and to ministry. While her heart always ached, hoping and praying that Phil would join her, she no longer felt God couldn’t live in her and through her, bringing joy and contentment to her soul. Her heart was good, open and alive despite the ongoing pain of her difficult marriage.
Thriving is possible, even in the most difficult of marriages. Never give up the hope that God has life for you. Remember, you don’t have to journey alone.

Thriving Despite By Michael Misja, Ph.D.